*- Savannah-*

Fuck LiveJournal-

I'm moving on....


If you would like my "MySpace" addie- leave a message.....




(p.s. Thanks Ethan for helping me see the blogging light- MS IS sooooo much better!!!)

Last night was Becky's 21st Birthday. We celebrated accordingly....









One more year for me til I don't have to worry about who will buy me liqour, but how I'm gonna pay for it.






Thumbs UP means high levels of intoxication---- I think...






I'm including this picture purely to embarrass Becky- I told her to stop making her orgasm face- but she doesn't listen....lol

There has been an intense lax of principles and morals on my part, and it ends here. My gallows humour has (forgive the cliche) crawled so far sideways it is now sheer cruelty, helpless and inappropriate quips like those which used to drive me fucking insane.

What happened to me?

Its very odd. When I was the person I was back then - in my eyes, inherently much better - I couldn't stand myself. Now I don't think enough to really concentratedly (making up words is fun) have any oppinion of myself. I used to write and read and fight and care and I used to be sensitive to the world. And it hurt, but it was acute - there was beauty, there were the cattle that got in the way, my ready camera -always something to photograph, something to preserve- .... and I suppose there was ambition, altough I shall not mourn the loss of that.

Now [forgive the irony of the quote but...] "I HATE what I have become to escape what I hated being".
No more.
I am NOT going to be this horrible fucking person anymore.

Balancing on a dark black line....

it feels like an abstract death....

...I can taste themetallic sadness

rising off the wet pavement this night

if you only knew the shit that went on in my head....

:::infinitely chaotic:::

---but you couldn't possibly---

You only know what I've fed you.

Pfff- I'm highly irritated....

I've come to realize that I am not always a "team player"....I don't always work well in groups....In fact- I want to strangle every single on of my group members for this GAY GAY GAY Canterbury Tales Project we're gonna give at 11 a.m.

I hate them. OH GOD- my anger overfloweth.....I'm also pretty pissed at Chaucer for having written all 30 parts of his little "tales".......

Lesson

If you want something done right- DO IT YOURSELF!

Mmmm....I want a bagel....

that's it- I'm ditching the group and the library for some cafe loving.....

For months I've felt aimless. Lately, life has left a hollowness in me. Pit's of self denial have widened, waiting to be filled with something more than wasteful observations that never lead to action or absolution. Such needless fickleness. It festers and grows- takes root in my everyday routine. I grasp for what isn't important. Crave the superficial- building altars to flimsy falsehoods that inevitably find a way to burn and scatter. I'm left mute and immobile- watching the pieces swirl.

Out of my reach.

-Out of Control-

My sorrows joined their hands and multiplied with each passing month. They made everything good seem far away, long ago and unrelated to me. To temper my grief, I have been saying yes to everything. To say "No" would establish boundaries- something I've never been good at setting for myself. In these past months, I seldom literally saw myself at all, or at least not in the way I'd been used to seeing myself, reflected in the glass panes of mirrors and windows. Like most girls and women, I'd look at reflections of myself at least a dozen times a day without even thinking about it, searching to see what others saw, examining my surface, rather than my depths. My body was a palette to scrutinize rather than one I inhabited. Usually what I saw was less than what I'd hoped to see. I couldn't live up to my own standards- nameless ones I hadn't completely acknowledged or yet begun to fully understand....

Stagnant. But ever-changing. Not enough dicipline....too much destructive idleness. I'm growing so weary of the same situations with different faces....

I guess everyone comes to a point in their lives where they proclaim their own freedom. A fierce decleration stating: I shall no longer be imprisoned! I will no longer spend infinite futures fighing quarrels of an endless past! I will wait no longer to be released, for I am my own savior, severing the chains of comfort for the elasticity of personal growth....

And sometimes.....

a dream will come to me that brings back the whole experience...

and all I can do is crumble to my knees in

rememberence.....

 

<A

Geology Exam Bootcamp....


Dinner- 8:30 -9:00p.m.
Apt. Studying- 9-11:30 p.m.
Study more at Becky's- 12:30-1:30 a.m.
Smoke/*CRASH* at B's - 2 a.m.

......


Wake up/last minute studying...

Coffeeeeeeeee.....

2/9/04
12:30 p.m. - be praying for me....

Holy Shit- I LOVE MY NEW CAR!!!!!!!!

 

I'm off to drive the shit out of it some more!!!!!

 

I'm way pleased.

 

Time to christen it in all ritualistic ways.....

...my fun should be illegal

oh wait...it is...

lol

...I need a break from this-for real.....


















I think I'm gonna become a ninja on the weekends.

Consider you ass kicked.